Sometimes...

You know that period in your night, when you’re neither awake nor asleep, you’re just hovering in this nebulous black cloud of creeping unconsiousness, perhaps you’re watching the black tide advance, your eyes wide open, staring at your darkened ceiling, watching the blackness seep in over the corners of your eyes, seeping in closer, enveloping more and more of that grey patch of your ceiling until you see nothing but darkness? Or perhaps, once the illusion was complete, you’d blink, and the black tide would retreat, and you’d return to staring at your ceiling, waiting, watching, knowing that it would return, that it will return and overtake your vision, but until then, you’re just going to lie there, unsleeping, unseeing, just staring at your darkened ceiling…

You know when you are so exhausted that when you lie down to go to sleep, you can’t? Your mind is just too keyed up with the task of keeping you awake when your body is screaming out for sleep, screaming itself hoarse with exhaustion, but you cannot sleep just yet, there is something you absolutely –have- to do, and so when you can actually go to sleep, after ignoring your body’s cries, the pleas for rest steadfastly silenced by your mind, you find that you can’t find that off switch? It’s as though, for a few, long minutes, perhaps even hours, your mind has forgotten how to relax, how to shut down and rest, how to sleep, after you have been ignoring the sleep, the creeping, insidious need that makes what you see waver, flickering lights in your eyes, the ground rock beneath you and the air seem like thick, sludgy molasses, until breathing through your exhausted lungs seems like way too much effort?

You know when you wake up after a long nights dreaming, your body rested but your mind ready for more sleep, but you have to go through the day with this energetic body, this normal, functioning of impulses but with a mind that is half asleep from exhaustion? When your arms feel like lead and you can’t concentrate on the words right before your face, as they blurr, shift, and dance across the paper, forming lines like soldier ants that scatter beyond your comprehension when you try to pick them up?

Sometimes, I wish I didn’t feel like that. Sometimes, I wish that I might get a normal nights sleep, one without dreams, one which I didn’t go to bed exhausted before, and one that I could sleep through. One where I didn’t watch the creeping tide of unconsiousness like some enemy that had to be fended off, where my mind didn’t have to search for that off switch, search to find the right situations in which to relax, the need to hunt through mounds and mounds of paperwork to find the written warrant saying ‘yes, you can sleep now’. Wouldn’t that be nice, to be able to wake refreshed and ready to face the new day, eager for it even, and to then, go to bed not exhausted, but pleasantly tired, where, if I pushed I could go further, but I don’t have to push, so I wont, and then, to just…sleep? To rest without dreams, without worry, without having to be wary of sleep and what it might hold…(like vampiric Velcro felt strips…a dream two nights ago, long story, and freaky as all get out too, but that’s another tale..)

Wouldn’t you like that too? To be able to just… but then, the majority of you won’t have any idea what I’m talking about, right?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PS, graduating THIS sunday, the 21st of October heeee!!!!!one!!!!11!!!!eleven!!!

Okay, I'm over it now. I'm good.