Yes, I'm weak.
I'm still alive. Isn't that stupid? I'm too weak to even walk down the path I set before myself. You know what stopped me? You.
Each and every one of you. The thought of how much you would be hurt, the repercussions of my leaving. I don't want to start a chain reaction of people leaving, that's not what I wanted.
So, now I live not for myself, but for others. And then, for only long enough to ensure that you no longer care for me, so that when I leave, you will not be hurt.
You know what's ironic? Psychologists and the like say that wanting to leave, is a cry for attention and not usually 'real'. But I -hate- the attention, the fuss that is the result of me admitting that I want to leave, asap. Why can't they just leave me alone?
It's nice you know, to ...have some affirmation that you're loved. But I don't want to hurt people. Which is why this is being posted up, because I don't want to hurt people. I'm a coward, I'm weak, weakened by my care for you, my love for others.
As said, I live not for myself, but for others, and only long enough to ensure that you do not care for me any longer.
This school is too nosey, the year leader person, head of my year, is worried about me as well. I don't care, why can't you just leave me alone? Let me vanish into the words, my studies, my books. That which I'm typing, why can you not leave me alone to vanish into my mind in peace? Why must you prod, poke and pry, condemn me with your eyes for that which I am, for my having no self-esteem, for the very things I enjoy because they give me the illusion of a value?
I am worthless, I know this, I've been told this repeatedly over the past few hours by the authority figures in my life. I'm worthless because I'm not keeping everything 'clean'. *sighs*
I hate this, this fuss, this bother, the concern. Why do you care? It's just a lie anyways, my entire life is built on a lie, that is all that I know, all I can do, all that I've ever known, is a lie. I hate myself, and you should too.
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Come think, come ponder, perhaps, you'll understand?
I know you!
2 comments:
I refuse to. I refuse. I refuse, I refuse, I refuse. I'm sorry, I can't do that. I can't, I can't, I won't, I WILL NOT.
You want to dissapear. I cannot let you do that.
I don't care how much it takes, how long it is, or what I have to do. I'm not giving up on you, I can't, I won't, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I do not hate you. I never hate you. You are not weak. Everyone is worried about you because you're not worried about yourself. Your self-esteem is pathetically low not because of it's natural state but because the goddamn pressure coming in on all sides makes you feel as if you hate yourself. Makes you hate yourself.
I can't let you dissapear. I can't give you what you want. I love you too damn much. And I can't change that, I can never change that, never, never, never.
You live for me. Yes, you live for me, you live for us - so I can make you live for yourself.
The authority figures in your life are not authority figures. They are worthless self-hating idiots who can't see you for what you are or do or are worth.
Do you want to beleive your life is a lie?
I'm sorry. Denial is not just a river in Egypt. Your life is founded upon the lives of others and is filled with meaning, worth, and truth, no matter what you say, beleive, or do. And if you die, we die too.
So I'm sorry. I'm very sorry that you can't get peace. I just wish that you could escape, that you could get away, that you could do what you want - but we can't let you. It's one of the most agonizing decisions of my life that I have to berate you, I have to verbally abuse you, I have to hit you and shake sense into you, just so you can stop thinking that if you left nothing would change.
I'm sorry.
I barely know you and I already know this is the bad decision to take. Think about it, dear Kjaila. Think about it, decide what it most important to you. Right now, I know, it feels horrible to know that you have no privacy, and that people want too much of you. This all passes. Soon, maybe already, you will be 18. You will have your freedom. Get a job, change residences. Leave all that behind.
I want to see you back, see you and do my best to comfort you. In any way I can, as little as that is. By phone, if need be, to talk and comfort you and help you get over all of this crap.
The only authority in your life is you. The other figures can go to hell. Now... Decide where your life heads. Death is not the answer. Believe me, as a once suicidal, now 'fixed' person. A person who had to deal with the suicide of a loved one. Choose another path. And stay here, with us, the people that care for you.
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