There are things that we do not say to others, things that we tend to keep locked up inside. Hidden. Such things are not welcome to be seen by others, we barely wish to see them ourselves and yet... and yet there they are. Right there. In the part of yourself that you don't look at too closely. The part that you find uncomfortable to think about. Where you fight and object and yell to the world when confronted that you're Not Like That. You don't Do Things Like That. That, ultimately, you're a Good Person.
Many of us do not carry such doubts. Confident that we -are- right. That we -are- a good person. That the things we think in the front of our mind are the good, right or just things. But .. what if they're not?
I find myself going through my life, thinking that I'm a ... not bad person. I'm reasonably sure that I'm not a good person, simply because I have far too short a temper, a distinct lack of patience with anything and any one that expresses an extensive inability to think for oneself... in short, while we all have bad days for the grey matter, if you have more of them than not, I find myself disliking you intensely.
This goes for those who seem to buy into propaganda whole heartedly, whether it is for the government, by the government, or against it. I just wish that people would try and thing, to examine things, rather than swallow them whole and then burp up the gasses that percolate through their system.
And then I stop, and look at myself. Am I judging them? Am I judging people with a blanket assessment because of the way they are judging others with that self-same assessment? So ... I'm judging people for being judgey. This does not resolve the issue, at all, rather, it ....compounds it. A person I know is of the opinion that they've always 'known' themselves to be special. Special not in intellect or accomplishments or fitness or drive, just that they look at the world in a 'different way' to 'everyone else' and that makes them special.
My first response? Congratulations, you're a special little snowflake. This matters because....?
I do not think that is such a charitable response. That I did not really try and take -their- perspective into proper account. This is probably why I failed at being a psychologist. I just ... don't care about people, generally. People special to me? Yes, I care about them. But that is normal. The average person, I really don't care about what is going on in their life. Especially if they are struggling with it. Big whoop. Every one is struggling nowadays, you hear it all the time. From the multi-millionaire to the homeless on the street, the economy's fucked, the power balance is fucked, everything is fucked and I'm just trying to eke out a living, working towards getting a Paying Job.
Seriously. That is my life goal right now. A job that Pays Money.
And then there are these wonderful, glorious people, whining about how it's Too Hard, and how, though they cannot accomplish or do anything with or in their life, it makes them Special.
I do not really like this side of myself. It feels as though I am viewing myself as an entitled dipshit. Or viewing others from such a vantage point, and I really do not wish to do that. I want to help people, but ultimately? I want to help myself. I do not really care too much about their problems, when I have my own long term goals to accomplish. Like, a paying job, and immediately following that, putting aside money to own my own godamn home.
When I was 16 I was sure I would at least have a mortgage by the time I was 25. I turned 25 last week. I do not have a paying job, let alone a mortgage. And in the face of that ... big gaping hole where I thought my future would be?
Proclaiming greatness due to self-perceived perspective about the world?
What the fuck is going on in the world?
Many of us do not carry such doubts. Confident that we -are- right. That we -are- a good person. That the things we think in the front of our mind are the good, right or just things. But .. what if they're not?
I find myself going through my life, thinking that I'm a ... not bad person. I'm reasonably sure that I'm not a good person, simply because I have far too short a temper, a distinct lack of patience with anything and any one that expresses an extensive inability to think for oneself... in short, while we all have bad days for the grey matter, if you have more of them than not, I find myself disliking you intensely.
This goes for those who seem to buy into propaganda whole heartedly, whether it is for the government, by the government, or against it. I just wish that people would try and thing, to examine things, rather than swallow them whole and then burp up the gasses that percolate through their system.
And then I stop, and look at myself. Am I judging them? Am I judging people with a blanket assessment because of the way they are judging others with that self-same assessment? So ... I'm judging people for being judgey. This does not resolve the issue, at all, rather, it ....compounds it. A person I know is of the opinion that they've always 'known' themselves to be special. Special not in intellect or accomplishments or fitness or drive, just that they look at the world in a 'different way' to 'everyone else' and that makes them special.
My first response? Congratulations, you're a special little snowflake. This matters because....?
I do not think that is such a charitable response. That I did not really try and take -their- perspective into proper account. This is probably why I failed at being a psychologist. I just ... don't care about people, generally. People special to me? Yes, I care about them. But that is normal. The average person, I really don't care about what is going on in their life. Especially if they are struggling with it. Big whoop. Every one is struggling nowadays, you hear it all the time. From the multi-millionaire to the homeless on the street, the economy's fucked, the power balance is fucked, everything is fucked and I'm just trying to eke out a living, working towards getting a Paying Job.
Seriously. That is my life goal right now. A job that Pays Money.
And then there are these wonderful, glorious people, whining about how it's Too Hard, and how, though they cannot accomplish or do anything with or in their life, it makes them Special.
I do not really like this side of myself. It feels as though I am viewing myself as an entitled dipshit. Or viewing others from such a vantage point, and I really do not wish to do that. I want to help people, but ultimately? I want to help myself. I do not really care too much about their problems, when I have my own long term goals to accomplish. Like, a paying job, and immediately following that, putting aside money to own my own godamn home.
When I was 16 I was sure I would at least have a mortgage by the time I was 25. I turned 25 last week. I do not have a paying job, let alone a mortgage. And in the face of that ... big gaping hole where I thought my future would be?
Proclaiming greatness due to self-perceived perspective about the world?
What the fuck is going on in the world?
No comments:
Post a Comment