I HATE emotions, loathe them with a passion. Yes yes, I know it's rather...contradictory but it's true! Emotions are the worst of anything I have to bloody well put up with. My own and other peoples.
Okay, here's the run down as to why I loathe emotions and tend to go out of my way to not feel them, or at the very least, display them. When I was little, I was a very violent kid, a right terror to those that annoyed me. So I started doing Karate, budokan I believe the style was that I started with (I now do Shotokan, a slightly different style) and I worked out my angst that way. Over the course of my life, and the meditation that came with the lifestyle, I managed to control my angst, my irritation and general emotions, containing them. So from a very young age (around 5) I have controlled my emotions, and had very little to do with them.
It gets very...shall we say exasperating when I lose control of my emotions, and I feel them, especially when my emotions tend to cause anothers to flare up in the negative range. I do not like arguing, so I refuse to. After all, it takes two people to argue, and if I argue with another, I'm the one that ends up feeling horrid, not that they care, since I was in the 'wrong'. People yell at me for saying 'sorry', for apologising. It is, quite simply, far, FAR easier for me to apologise, since it's the easiest, and best way to avoid an argument, especially with mother dearest, than to wait for her to say so.
On the other hand, I've a friend that gets annoyed at me if I DO say sorry. Go figure. And then I can't apologise for pissing him off because it only makes the situation WORSE. He got an insight into my mind when I was rather more...emo than usual. I think he believes me now when I say I've got issues, even though, according to him, I created them upon myself. So, maybe being physically tortured isn't one of the things I can say has happened to me, does that make psychological trauma any less real? I know I've had a fairly easy life, physically. I haven't had to rob any one, whore myself out, no one has hurt me to get at my family, it could be worse. Instead, I've been told that I'm not good enough, I'll never be good enough, I'm fat, lazy, ugly, and until I proved that I was smarter than her, stupid. Now, instead of stupid I'm arrogant.
I'll admit to the arrogant, fat and lazy. I know I'm no oil painting, and I'm a far cry from being a beauty, or even a head turner, I may be passably pretty, maybe. But until recently, I believed, and still harbour some doubts, that I -am- ugly, fugly. I've got glasses for crying out loud. Lasses with glasses are classed as nerds, squids, bookworms, freaks. Not exactly girlfriend material, you understand? So, since I AM a bookworm, and proud of it too, I developed this ability to cut people off at the knees with my eyes. It's rather fun, actually, to be able to look up from whatever I was doing, glance at the group sneering about me, and render them silent without even getting up. Try it, sometime. But you have to be very expressive with your eyes.
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Emotions are very hateable for the simple reason that they can affection judgement. As humans, we have been graced with the capacity to feel them to outrageous proportions. Unfortunately, that's part of being human, and if you're going to be stolid, you're largely rejecting your humanity. Whether you have a problem with that is up to you.
What made you violent when you were so young? I think that question deserves some consideration.
Apologising has it's limits. I share your knowledge when you say it's easier to apologise- it is, it avoids drawn out and obstinate conflict. However, if takes incredible resolution to apologise *all* your life. Do you really want to do that, even though the majority of the time you've done nothing wrong?
If you have a problem with laziness, be proactive. If you think you're fat, eat healthier or exercise more. If you think you're ugly, change either the way you look or the way you look at yourself.
There is nothing wrong with glasses (if you think there is, have you considered contacts?), and certainly nothing wrong with reading. People are stupid to devote so much time to things that matter so little (friends they'll talk to for high school then promptly forget after graduation, for instanct) while you have the wisdom to seek immortal knowledge- a valuable treasure you carry with you always. You're the one who ultimately comes out on top, so screw them.
And as to the issue of a boyfriend, well the chances are, you will fall in love, and someone will fall in love with you. Hopefully, you'll fall in love with each other and live long and happy lives. Looking at the number of married people in the world, I'd have to say your chances are pretty darn good.
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